"What happened to you in the past has everything to do with how much you enjoy sex." (p 210)
"...those who have experienced abuse say that a residue of their experience is always with them." (p 212)
How do you explain this to a teenage? "If you want to enjoy sex in marriage, you have to not have sex now." Teenagers aren't much for delayed gratification. My friend and her youngest sister are coming to visit in a week. I know, she (the teenage sister) is sexually active. I keep trying to imagine what I will say to our girls and it doesn't sound very persuasive.
I enjoy sex and I'm sure that has to do with my past. The word 'residue' is a great descriptor. I was sad I had kissed other people when my husband and I started dating.
I guess, my 'residue' is more feeling inadequate and not wanted.
Jess: Did you have any boyfriends in between the "slime" who date-raped you and your husband?
Did you have 'residue' from your high school boyfriend?
General Questions: When did you first learn about sex? What did your parents tell you about sex? What did your parents tell you specifically about having sex before marriage?
Nope, no boyfriends between slime and Rick. Which, hind sight being what it is, is a really good thing. I don't know how I will talk to my teenage boys about sex, but I think a good start is talking to them about babies. Heaven knows that is a never ending topic around here. I pray that they wait. And, at some point, I imagine sharing my horror story experience with them will come up. No, although I dated in high school, that is not where I have 'residue' from. My 'residue' is more from 8th grade. I had a lump on my breast and my mom took me to the doctor to have it checked. (My grandma had just had a masectomy.) Not only did my female doctor feel my breast, but she called in a male doctor to double check it. He checked the wrong breast first. Then, we were sent to a male surgeon who, also, felt my breast. By the time it was all said and done, I pretty much had a who cares who sees/feels my breast? They are pretty much public property. Not to mention you turn on t.v. or go to the pool and you can see just as much and mine are not anything more to look at than all the other ones you see around. The crumminess of that lasted well into our marriage. I don't recall when I first learned about sex. When I started my period and told my mom, she said, "You know where the supplies are? You know how to take care of it?" That was it. My dad asked her about what she said. He didn't like her answer, but didn't feel it was his place to say more. Thankfully (SARCASM) the Catholic church had beaten it in to me that I was going to hell if I dared to have sex outside of marriage and that if I did I better to plan to marry the guy. Which, after my rape, I pretty much had it set in my head that I better marry the abusive SOB. You?
Do you feel like your mom didn't protect you? I feel like different girls would have different reactions to having a breast exam.
I agree, Catholic's "your going to hell" speech was ingrained in me as well.
Can you teach your boys not to 'drool' over girls as well as not to be abusive to them? I don't want someone who follows me around. I don't want someone who wants me because they know they can't date someone else. ...Oh, and I really don't want someone who wants to date me just because I was raised Catholic. While you are teaching them things... they should only go on dates with one girl at a time. They should ask the girl out on a date clearly instead of just hanging out. And they should pick a girl who has interests besides having lots of kids.
Maybe I am cranky today? Maybe I just don't like to relive my insecurities. I still feel like no one wants to be friends with me and that my husband doesn't find me physically attractive.
I went to prom with a guy junior year in high school but as a group just because we didn't have dates. Nothing special. He was mostly clueless. Mike is gay. Lisa is gay. (They dated each other in high school. They weren't out; we lived in a small town in Iowa.) And well, you've met Lindsay. I went on a few dates in college but nothing great.
My dad always told me I was intimidating. Mike always told me I was too overwhelming. Guy on my college dorm floor concurred with them. He said I was confident so it just seemed like I had a boyfriend. And Justice always said I was sweet and crazy and smart and was made to be a wife not a girlfriend.
This is why my husband was my only boyfriend. He was my only choice. A good choice. But I have never understood how people can feel torn between dating two people. For me everyone else just seemed icky/stupid/mean/creepy.
I never have gotten the dating/being married and cheating/etc. more than one person. They are a work in progress. I hope I am teaching them to respect girls in that all girls are referred to as Miss ________. The not drooling is sort of the girls responsibility too. When girls dress in nothing and then go out in public, even boys who were raised well stumble. I hope to teach them that the need to ask a girl out. It would have been nice to get feedback from someone as to why I was not approachable. I figured it was because I am shy and awkward, but who knows?
Well, I feel so privileged people volunteered what is wrong with me. So I actually asked them what was wrong with me and they were kind enough to tell me but those weren't things I wanted to change about myself.
Now you don't have to worry about attracting anyone but your husband. Isn't that nice?
How do you explain this to a teenage? "If you want to enjoy sex in marriage, you have to not have sex now." Teenagers aren't much for delayed gratification. My friend and her youngest sister are coming to visit in a week. I know, she (the teenage sister) is sexually active. I keep trying to imagine what I will say to our girls and it doesn't sound very persuasive.
ReplyDeleteI enjoy sex and I'm sure that has to do with my past. The word 'residue' is a great descriptor. I was sad I had kissed other people when my husband and I started dating.
I guess, my 'residue' is more feeling inadequate and not wanted.
Jess:
Did you have any boyfriends in between the "slime" who date-raped you and your husband?
Did you have 'residue' from your high school boyfriend?
General Questions:
When did you first learn about sex?
What did your parents tell you about sex?
What did your parents tell you specifically about having sex before marriage?
Nope, no boyfriends between slime and Rick. Which, hind sight being what it is, is a really good thing.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I will talk to my teenage boys about sex, but I think a good start is talking to them about babies. Heaven knows that is a never ending topic around here.
I pray that they wait. And, at some point, I imagine sharing my horror story experience with them will come up.
No, although I dated in high school, that is not where I have 'residue' from. My 'residue' is more from 8th grade. I had a lump on my breast and my mom took me to the doctor to have it checked. (My grandma had just had a masectomy.) Not only did my female doctor feel my breast, but she called in a male doctor to double check it. He checked the wrong breast first. Then, we were sent to a male surgeon who, also, felt my breast. By the time it was all said and done, I pretty much had a who cares who sees/feels my breast? They are pretty much public property. Not to mention you turn on t.v. or go to the pool and you can see just as much and mine are not anything more to look at than all the other ones you see around. The crumminess of that lasted well into our marriage.
I don't recall when I first learned about sex.
When I started my period and told my mom, she said, "You know where the supplies are? You know how to take care of it?" That was it. My dad asked her about what she said. He didn't like her answer, but didn't feel it was his place to say more.
Thankfully (SARCASM) the Catholic church had beaten it in to me that I was going to hell if I dared to have sex outside of marriage and that if I did I better to plan to marry the guy. Which, after my rape, I pretty much had it set in my head that I better marry the abusive SOB.
You?
Do you feel like your mom didn't protect you? I feel like different girls would have different reactions to having a breast exam.
ReplyDeleteI agree, Catholic's "your going to hell" speech was ingrained in me as well.
Can you teach your boys not to 'drool' over girls as well as not to be abusive to them? I don't want someone who follows me around. I don't want someone who wants me because they know they can't date someone else. ...Oh, and I really don't want someone who wants to date me just because I was raised Catholic.
While you are teaching them things... they should only go on dates with one girl at a time. They should ask the girl out on a date clearly instead of just hanging out. And they should pick a girl who has interests besides having lots of kids.
Maybe I am cranky today? Maybe I just don't like to relive my insecurities. I still feel like no one wants to be friends with me and that my husband doesn't find me physically attractive.
I went to prom with a guy junior year in high school but as a group just because we didn't have dates. Nothing special. He was mostly clueless. Mike is gay. Lisa is gay. (They dated each other in high school. They weren't out; we lived in a small town in Iowa.) And well, you've met Lindsay. I went on a few dates in college but nothing great.
My dad always told me I was intimidating. Mike always told me I was too overwhelming. Guy on my college dorm floor concurred with them. He said I was confident so it just seemed like I had a boyfriend. And Justice always said I was sweet and crazy and smart and was made to be a wife not a girlfriend.
This is why my husband was my only boyfriend. He was my only choice. A good choice. But I have never understood how people can feel torn between dating two people. For me everyone else just seemed icky/stupid/mean/creepy.
I never have gotten the dating/being married and cheating/etc. more than one person.
ReplyDeleteThey are a work in progress. I hope I am teaching them to respect girls in that all girls are referred to as Miss ________.
The not drooling is sort of the girls responsibility too. When girls dress in nothing and then go out in public, even boys who were raised well stumble.
I hope to teach them that the need to ask a girl out.
It would have been nice to get feedback from someone as to why I was not approachable. I figured it was because I am shy and awkward, but who knows?
Well, I feel so privileged people volunteered what is wrong with me. So I actually asked them what was wrong with me and they were kind enough to tell me but those weren't things I wanted to change about myself.
ReplyDeleteNow you don't have to worry about attracting anyone but your husband. Isn't that nice?