I Need a Procedure Manual

"Oh, how corrupted motives can really make me come unglued."
"The Bible is pretty blunt in naming the real issues here: evil desires."
"evil desires...Things like...Selfishness...Pride...Impatience...Anger...Bitterness..."

Positioning My Heart in the Flow of God's Power
"Wow.  God's divine power has given us everything we need for a godly life?  Everything?  If that's the case, why do I still come unglued?"
"I have to 'make every effort' to add some things to my faith.  Things like goodness, knowledge, and self-control.  I have to add these in.  I have to make that choice."

My Biblical Procedure Manual
2 Chronicles 20

Step 1: Remember who you are.
"Alarmed, Jehoshaphat resolved.  The kind had resolved to inquire of the Lord."
"I am a child of God, holy and dearly loved, whom God has set apart for a mighty purpose."

Step 2: Redirect your focus to Jesus.
"They didn't know what to do, but they knew who to turn to."
"The Bible teaches that there is power and protection in the Lord's name.  (John 17:11)."
"The human soul is designed to recognize and respond to the calm assurance of Jesus."

Step 3: Recognize God's job isn't your job.
"We're not responsible for figuring it all out.  Our job is simply to be obedient to God in the midst of what we're facing.  God's job is results."
"Operating in the flow of God's power is so much better than working against the flow of God's power."

Step 4: Recite thanks and praises to God.
"I say out loud to myself, 'If this is the worst thing that happens to me today, it's still a pretty good day.'"
"...shift from an attitude of gratitude and to praise our God in the midst of it all."

Step 5: Realize reactions determine reach.
"Because in the midst of it all, he [Jehoshaphat] honored God with his actions and reactions.
"Remember, though he was alarmed, he was resolved to inquire of the Lord.
He felt alarmed but stayed resolved.  He kept his focus on the Lord.  He stayed in the flow of God's power by being obedient to God's Word.  Though it wasn't easy, he shifted from having an attitude to practicing gratitude.  And his reaction not only affected everyone around him, not only people in his own kingdom, but even those in surrounding countries."
"I want to train my mind to remember each step, each truth, each choice Jehoshaphat made.  Then I want to train my heart to have the courage to implement each one."

Questions for Discussion
So, created your own predetermined plan?  What steps are on your plan?
Did you find another story in Scripture to help you determine your plan?  Who?
Have you tried out Lysa's or your own plan?  How did it go?

The Stuffers

 

"I stuff because:

*I don't feel safe enough to confront this person.

*I don't have the energy or the time to get into a conflict right now.

*I don't know how to address the issue.

*I don't want to seem hypersensitive.

*I don't want to get rejected.

*I don't want to lose control.

*I don't want to make things worse, so I convince myself I can just let it go.

But if I'm completely honest, as a Christian woman I also sometimes stuff because it feels more godly."

"...healthy processing when I work through the issue and diffuse the hurt."

The Stuffer Who Builds Barriers

"Barriers shut down communication."

Barriers or Boundaries?

"The difference between boundaries and barriers is honest transparency."

"Barriers set relationships on a regressive course that leads to isolation.  Boundaries set relationships on a progressive course that leads to connection."

What Do I Really Want?

"...feelings should be indicators, not dictators."

Impossible People

"...how do I back away and not stuff?"

"If they make the choice to walk over me rather than walk with me, I'll have to love them from afar.  I can forgive and refuse to hold resentment toward them, but just because I extend my forgiveness doesn't mean I have to give them access to me."

"...handled with much prayer..."

The Stuffer Who Collects Retaliation Rocks

"True peacekeeping isn't about stopping the emotion...True peacekeeping is about properly processing the emotions before they get stuffed and rot into something horribly toxic."

Processing Questions

"...how do we process these emotions before stuffing them?"

"...If I knew this person wasn't coming home tonight, would I still let this bother me?"

"...Will I still remember what I'm so mad about a month from now?"

"Am I trying to prove or improve?"

Dealing with Unrealistic Expectations

"...it's unfair of me to use my expectations as the standard for their behavior or hold it against them when they don't live up to my hopes."

"Why not take your expectations and your need for discernment about them to God in prayer?"

Feelings

"'Feelings are indicators, not dictators, child.  They can indicate where your heart is in the moment, but that doesn't mean they have the right to dictate your behavior and boss you around.  You are more than the sum total of your feelings and perfectly capable of that little gift from Jesus called self-control.'"

Questions for Discussion

Why do you stuff?

Have you tried out "healthy processing"?  How did it go?

The Exploders

The Exploder Who Shames Herself
*"Do not check in with the screaming demands of the world before you exchange whispers with God."
* "the balance between the two (unhealthy exploding vs unhealthy stuffing) is soul integrity where our honesty is godly."
*"sip the shame so you won't have to guzzle the regret."
*focuses on Ephesians 6

Crafting My Response Template
1) "Begin by honoring the one offended...  (point out a good quality)
2) Keep your response short and full of grace...
    A line to acknowledge the expressed hurt...
    A line to clarify my intentions...
    A line of gentle honesty about the issue at hand...
    A line of apology if appropriate...
    A line asking for grace...
3) End by extending compassion."

"Choosing a gentle reply doesn't mean you're weak; it actually means you possess a rare and godly strength."


The Exploder Who Blames
*"So, here's one little tidbit I'm learning.  When someone else's actions or statements threaten to pull me into a bad place, I have a choice.  I do."

Self-Control
*"When I react by yelling, flying off the handle, or making a snappy comment, I basically transfer my power to the other person."

Holy Restraint
*"...self-control is the external expression --the evidence --of a well-done center that helps us to respond in more godly ways."

Finding the Quiet
1) "In the quiet, we feel safe enough to humble ourselves."
2) "In the quiet, God lifts us up to a more rational place."
3) "In the quiet, anxiety gives way to progress."
4) "In the quiet, we acknowledge that our real enemy isn't the other person."
5) "In the quiet, I can rest assured God will use this conflict for good--no matter how it turns out."

How are you doing on following Ephesians 6:19?  Every time you open your mouth, do you proclaim the Gospel?
Do you quote God's Word in the present tense?  What is your favorite passage to quote or read in the present tense?  Lysa mentions 1 Peter 5:6-8.
Are you making imperfect progress?

What Kind of Unglued Am I?

Photo Credit

The above chart is not for labeling but for identifying.  You may discover you fit into more than one category depending on the person you are interacting with and the situation.

The "four categories of unglued reactions...

Exploders who shames themselves

Exploders who blames others

Stuffers who builds barriers

Stuffers who collect retaliation rocks"

Exploders who shame themselves do not necessarily do it by getting loud.  It might be by just turning up the intensity.

"Soul integrity is honesty that's godly."

"Saying 'I'm fine' to keep the peace, when we're not fine, isn't honest."

"Forgiveness is mandatory; reconciliation is optional."

"...when we are wise, we pause and measure our words to get at the heart of the issue without sabotaging the heart of our offender."

Not sure where you fit?  Take the Unglued Assessment .

Okay, know where you are?  Do you find yourself in all four categories at different times?  Just one or two sound like you?

Did you take the on-line assessment?  Did it surprise you?