First off...Congratulations to Nicole on her BEAUTIFUL baby girl. And Congratulations to Heidi on becoming an aunt again. Happy spoiling!
Rewinding Our Childhood Tapes...
Just the title of this chapter makes my mind rush with a LOT of Catholic c***!
So, I realize no one is reading this book along with where we are in our discussion. However...
Shannon begins this chapter talking about negative tapes she had growing up. She then went on to talk about changing those tapes and putting them into perspective of what was going on around her at the time those tapes were created.
She ends by talking about learning to satisfy your emotional needs yourself. "...you deserve to live, love, be loved, and to be happy with yourself." (40)
What tapes have you changed?
What tapes do you need to change?
What do you do when the old tapes sneak back in?
How do you satisfy your emotional needs yourself?
Here is another question...
In a book I read titled It's All About Him by Dennise Jackson (wife of country singer Allan Jackson). She talks about having issues related to emotional needs not being met at home and wanting Allen to meet them and the problems this caused in their marriage. As I was reading, I couldn't help but wonder, I realize no one has a perfect life, but how the heck do we keep our kids (especially daughters) from having issues in this area if someone who is so different from me had some of the same issues I have?
I mean, I had related some of my issues to Catholic c***, and to the fact that my dad came from a home where my grandfather was a self-medicating alcoholic, he tried his best NOT to be his dad, but he had major anger issues when I was growing up. And, my mom is not assertive at all. She doesn't realize how it affects me when I hear her put herself down. It does make me very aware of what I say about myself in-front of my kids.
I don't want to raise kids that are people pleasers. That will make themselves feel like c*** just to make someone else feel good. Although, in all honesty, I still have some of those tendencies. I know that it is because, although, I did not grow up in a home with an alcoholic, my family tended to function (or disfunction) like an alcoholic family.
Altimately, I know God is in control. Praise Him for it!
I sure wish I could be there to see that beautiful baby! Do I get bonus points for only being one chapter ahead of your posts?
ReplyDeleteI found this chapter pretty interesting, but from an observer's point of view. Shannon had a childhood tragedy, a semi-normal self-image problem, and a detached father that prompted her three negative tapes. I was surprised that her family's apparent emotional detachment impacted her so heavily. I grew up in a very supportive family, and my dad had a huge positive impact on my self-image. That's why I feel like an observer. I know I have tendencies that are a result of my childhood environment, but they're nothing like this.
I think all of you girls have kids, right? So what are you doing to try and avoid these kinds of effects on your kids? It seems like Shannon, in her family's emotional vacuum, went down some really negative paths. It doesn't sound like they were verbally abusive or led her down these paths, they just didn't help keep her from them. How do you anticipate what negative things your kids are thinking and head them off? Maybe you can't guess what conclusions they're jumping to, and you just have to positively reinforce them across the board. I'm thinking that if Shannon never told her parents that she thought she should have died instead of Donna, how would they know to reassure her that that wasn't true?
I too had a very supportive family. There were moments of disconnect because I was adopted, but it was not necessarily caused by any certain actions on the part of my family. I guess I do have moments of self-doubt because my mother was more of a perfectionist and I felt like she expected always more than I could do or be. I still struggle with that at times.
ReplyDeleteAs far as my kids are concerned, I try to be their encourager without frustrating them. Pushing them to try new limits, but trying to find that balance so they don't become angry and bitter that I'm not understanding their needs. I think its a very delicate balance. Some days and challenges come easier than others. I too do not want my kids to feel like they have to please everybody to the point where they are demeaning themselves, their dreams and their talents. They aren't better than anyone else and noone else is better than they are. And then, with other hardships some times I just have to chalk it up to "Life's NOT Fair" deal with it! :) I think you always have to strive for positive reinforcement. Some times with my mom I've just looked for approval and even when she hasn't meant it to be her responses come off negative. That shuts down the line of communication. I never want that with my kids. So no matter how far they stretch boundaries they know that they can always come to me without fear of being shut down all the time.
This may or may not have been in line with the questions of the chapter...but I think all kids struggle to some extent with wanting the approval, support and encouragement of their parents. Even the slightest hint of negativity can do a great deal of damage.
Wow! I'm impressed that you are sticking to the chapter in question. I have read the whole thing, but go back and reread most of the chapter before posting each week.
ReplyDeleteShe is adorable and you will love spoiling her next month.
My dad always had a policy of, if you tell me you blew it before someone else does, you will get in less trouble. I was always ratting myself out. So, although, my dad has/had a bad temper, I didn't get into as much trouble as I could have because I ratted myself out. Although, I've been told since then that my dad took out his frustration with me on one of my brothers.
My dad and I always have been really close. One of the ways he did that was staying up late with me and talking about adult stuff. Although, now I realize that probably wasn't appropriate for him to share grown-up problems with me, it always left me with a feeling of he trusts me and values my opinion.
My mom is/was a different story. She was/is so sheltered that I never thought I could talk to her about stuff.
I don't want to repeat that pattern with my boys. I try to be upfront with them about everything. I aim to put things in terms they understand and be honest. I encourage them to ask questions and do my best to take the time to listen and respond. I'm sure I blow it some times, but talking stuff out is so important. Also, we are blessed to have grandparents and some good friends (Zac and Nicole) close by. I have encouraged my boys to talk to their safe people (grandparents, Zac and Nicole) even if they can't/don't want to talk to me. I hope this will pay off as they get older. I hope their safe people will be able to help them or give Rick and me a heads up if we am missing something.
(Also, I encourage them in spending time with their safe people, both with and without dad and me, now so that way the relationship will already be there if/when they need them in the future. I don't want them to see those people as being on mom's and dad's side. But, as someone who loves them and will do their best to help my boys in anyway possible in any situation.)
That's a really good point about having other safe people besides yourselves, Jessica. I hadn't thought of that, but it seems to me that it would be very effective.
ReplyDeleteI too was very close to my dad, talking about things with him at night (but before bedtime). He didn't necessarily tell me about adult problems, although I did hear his frustrations about teaching! After Dad got sick, I got much closer to my mom and discovered I was more like her than I had realized.
In regards to my personal tapes, I definitely listened to society and thought I was worth more when I lost 20 pounds from joining the high school dance team and could wear less modest clothing because I looked "cute". I bought into the whole "I look good, I'm valuable" mentality and have had to work through that since having 3 kids and not having time (or not caring as much) to work out and get into a smaller size. I'm blessed that my husband is much more about ME and not as much into my LOOKS.
ReplyDeleteI think growing up I was praised for achieving things and so I also deal with achievements = worth. I have to work on loving my kids, husband, and myself for who we are and not what we can do. I really need to keep that in mind as my kids grow.
Jess, I like what you said. You're so cool. :)
I could have said what Liz did - "I think growing up I was praised for achieving things and so I also deal with achievements = worth" It's very true for me, and while it hasn't become a big problem for me yet, I figure it will someday.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking about my earlier post about safe people and wanted to add to it...
ReplyDeleteI, also, aim to listen to the boys when we are talking about safe people to see who they think their safe people are. I imagen, as they get older, that some of their safe people won't be people I know extremely well. So, I want to make sure I know who they are thinking their safe people are so I can get to know everyone better that my kids deam to be worthing of talking to and spending time with. An example, already, when we first started talking about safe people, I started with grandparents. Luke immediately chimmed in with Uncle Nick. Okay, I realize I know Uncle Nick really well, but I wouldn't have put him on the safe people list purely because of distance. But, I totally understand why Luke would put Uncle Nicholas on the list, Uncle Nicholas is REALLY cool.
Also, a tape for me that I should have talked out with my mom a lot sooner than I did was started with her telling me that she was afraid of what my dad's reaction would be when she told him they were expecting me. I translated this into, "She was going to abort me. So, I am a GIGANTIC oops." When we did talk it out, years later, she said she knew he would be excited because they had been not stopping pregnancy, but she knew he would be worried about his job situation, totally understandable and normal.
I am WAY behind on posting, so I'm assuming no one is actually going to read what I write about this chapter. :) If you do read this, please excuse my random thoughts.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, my baby is cool. God is testing me by giving me a girl; I don't know how you train your child to feel loved by those around them instead of seeking out attention from those they shouldn't.
My mom praises for achievement. And sometimes it gets irritating how she often just expects things... like I didn't have to work for them. I often hear her saying things in my head still but I mostly recognize it as her and not necessarily my own tapes. "You will never get a husband if... (mostly referring to the house not being clean)." "You can't go out like that." -- I often feel like she as always seen me as a reflection of her and not a different person.
I often have to tell myself I am not what I own, how I or my house look, or what I get done for the day. It is very tempting to legitimize my existence in such a simplistic equation.
My dad just loved spending time with us and was proud of us in general. Another key person who I know influenced my choice in a husband was my friend Mike from high school. I always had fun hanging out with him; I felt comfortable and loved. I would go out on a date with someone and feel worried or awkward. I was always looking for that same content feeling I had before. (FYI: Mike is gay.)
I would also like to mention two things I did not like in this chapter:
1.) Page 32 she says, "I deserve to be happy." Happiness is temporary. I think, God wants us to be happy but not all the time. I don't think this should be my excuse to hurt others or try to avoid suffering that might teach me something.
2.) Page 37 she calls herself a 'girl'. In my experiences, women who call themselves girls have serious issues they need to deal with. Girls whine and can't take care of themselves; women suck it up and deal with their problems. (I have no problem with Zac calling Nola and I "his girls" as a term of endearment.)
I would assume her comment on page 32 could be translated (given context) into, "I shouldn't feel guilty for being happy."
ReplyDeletePage 37, yeah, grown-up would sound better.