Here's the deal...
1) I want discussion! So, we are going to revisit chapters 1 and 2. Feel free to answer my questions or post your own.
2) Nicole lent out her book. So, we will be having Liz join us here in the next week.
3) Chapters 3 and 4 are intense. So, I figure this is a good place to pause, before jumping in.
Chapter 1
So, I wonder, what happened after the joy of that day? Did they ever have trouble in the bedroom? Have you always/ever felt sexually confident?Is this a mountain and valley issue for you? When have you experienced mountains? When have you experienced vallies?(Based off Sylvia's e-mail on page 7) Does your husband have issues with sexual confidence? What do you do to boost his confidence?What boosts your confidence?
Chapter 2
How do you help your husband to see that you need spiritual and emotional connection with him?When is your favorite time of the week to connect with your husband spiritually and emotionally?What activities do you enjoy doing together that encourage your need for spiritual and emotional connectedness?
What do you do to let your husband know you "think he's eye candy" (page 22)?Does your husband fill your oxytocin tank? (I'm suggesting there is a tank.)Who else do you seek regular touch from? (Especially if your primary or secondary love language is touch.)
Sexual confidence is a mountain and valley issue for me. I know that there are times when I seem to see it as all valleys and probably others when I see it as all mountains, but over all, it is both. I was not confident before I met Rick, but was VERY confident before we were married and in our early marriage. Part of my confidence was bad attitude related (boldness in a bad way). I had some experiences when I was younger that left me with a very, "If you have seen one, you have seen them all," attitude about my body. I didn't feel the need to be modest, much to my husband's frustration. Which ended up leading to a harsh recoil on my part. I didn't want my body seen by anyone, including Rick, at any time.
ReplyDeleteEven through our fertility issues I stayed confident for the most part. Of course, there were the moments of, "My body is a hunk of junk." I know, "God doesn't make junk." But, there were days when I was very frustrated.
Recently, I've been in a valley. Rick made a comment that in itself wasn't bad, combined with some other peoples comments and some personal paranoia, and a little post partum blues, and Rick's vasectomy, combined for the perfect storm of self-doubt. I'm recovering and through the process becoming bolder (in a good way) than I ever was before.
I don't think my husband lacks confidence, except for that he has commented previously, about women (other than me not making comments about him). I have to admit, I feel sorry for him (I don't really think he feels sorry for him though). I admit, it is nice to have a nice looking guy give you a second glance. Not that I want other women eyeing my husband, but it is a good boost for the self-esteem. (Does that make any sense?)
I think his self-esteem is most affected when I make in-appropriate comments about feeling like a hole in the mattress during sex or that the main goal of sex is just for him to get off. This really has come around most recently in my major valley. I've been praying about it and working to find the source of my problem (why we are reading this book), so I can fix me. I don't want to feel that way about my husband or our relationship.
My confidence is boosted when I feel like I look good. Having my toe nails done, wearing cute clothes, a new hair do, etc.
Okay, so, I have answered some of chapter 2's questions already.
The eye candy question. In light of mine and Rick's conversation last night is way to personal at this moment to talk about. Sorry, ladies.
My husband's primary love language is touch and his secondary is quality time. My primary is quality time and my secondary is touch. Although, his primary is touch he is not a public display of affection type. Plus, we are working on figuring out how touch works with three little boys around, the oldest of which is to observant for his own good.
I grew up in a home where the rule was, "Give your mom a hug and kiss before heading out the door." So, I'm VERY pushy on that point, and have been since before I was out of high school. If Rick, my boys, my dad, or my brothers try to leave without giving me a hug I will say, "WHAT no hugs. NO kisses." It is to the point that if my husband and my dad are going some where my dad will remind my husband he better go give me a hug before he goes, "Or else." So, needless to say, I get my tank filled. I've also, gotten better at letting female friends give me hugs, something I was never good at growing up. Thank you Liz and Sarah.
Do you think sexual confidence means sexual assertiveness and being adventurous? I feel like I have been relatively confident, but I wasn't at all assertive for the first years of our marriage, and I would never call myself adventurous.
ReplyDeleteI asked Bryan what he thought, and he says he thinks I'm more confident now than before. He also says that my confidence goes up and down depending on my feelings about our relationship. I wouldn't necessarily call it confidence, but rather just a desire issue, because when I'm not happy with the state of our relationship, then I'm not interested in sex. He, on the other hand, is more "in the moment" (his words), and is always interested. Or so he says. He hasn't been initiating nearly as much the last year as before, and I've been picking up some of the slack. He said a while back that he doesn't know why, but I don't know if he would tell me even if he did know.
Oh ladies... this is going to be an area of my life where I work on my thinking before I speak (or write). Otherwise I might write too much and get myself in trouble! ;)
ReplyDeleteUm, I've already read through chapter 10, I've liked this book so much. I was totally hesitant at first, but I like how REAL the author is and how much she seems to understand women as a whole group. It's fun and deep and insightful. Good stuff.
I have been really encouraged by how she pointed out how sex (or, in my case, any physical aspect of a relationship) was a game to her when she was single. "You want it. I've got it... Make me feel really good about myself and then I'll make you feel really good." This was completely my attitude before becoming a Christian and taking sexual purity seriously. And, I guess, I'm glad I'm not abnormal in that.
And then, on page 15 she really hit me - "[singles] are having "best foot forward" sex...They're showing each other only their good side, then retreating to the safety of their singleness. In marriage, however, there's no retreating...We see not just the good but also the bad and the ugly...We have to learn to arouse and be aroused by each other."
I had always thought that being single and having sex would put a lot of pressure on a girl ("If I'm not good, then ___ will dump me!"), but this makes more sense to me. Although there is comfort in not having to perform up to some expectation, there's also a tendency to stagnate.
So, yes. There are mountains and valleys. I can't imagine that anyone has only mountain tops, but I'm sure a lot of people only have valleys.
So, to actually answer some of your questions Jessica... :)
ReplyDeleteCody thinks I'm exceedingly sexually confident, although I beg to differ. The quiz that she gave showed me some definite areas that I am not confident in - ie, having him watch me undress. Those lovely pregnancy years have done no justice to this body.
I think he is also confident, but I know that his confidence depends almost completely on my reactions. If I comment positively, he is definitely encouraged and I can see it.
Both of us grew up with parents who showed affection (even an occasional butt slap!) so we're affectionate, too. It's never something we've discussed, but I know I feel sexier because of the playful touching (even in front of our kids).
Spiritual and emotional connectedness... yikes. That stings... I know we both enjoy watching something together and just being together without multiple kids around (Andrew gets to stay up late sometimes by necessity). Truthfully, we're trying to start some new spiritual disciplines and finding it hard. But just being together is good enough for now. :)
Yes, Cody fills up my oxytocin tank and if I think I need extra touch that day, I'll ask him to rub my back. He's good at that. I've also got 3 very physical kids and they do a great job of requiring physical touch. :)
Question for Jessica - Did I know you when you "didn't feel the need to be modest"? I'm not sure I remember that kind of Jessica. :)
ReplyDeleteProbably not, it was before we were married and in our early marriage. I still have the "if you've seen one, you've seen them all mentality." I am starting to loosen my recoil though, note: v-neck shirts and being okay in shorts without my head going, "you shouldn't be wearing those."
ReplyDeleteHeidi, I think sexual assertiveness and being adventurous are part of it. But, I wouldn't put undressing in-front of your husband into either of those categories (not every time anyway) and that is part of it too.
I would put that into being comfortable in your own skin. I realize it could be part of sexual assertiveness, but there are times when it has nothing to do with sex and even then I don't want Rick looking at me.
Also, I think sexual confidence is being able to talk about sex. Both with our husbands, and with our girlfriends, and even with our children. So, many of us have hangups in one or more of these areas. I don't want my husband and me to not talk about our sex life. I don't want to feel like we are talking about something inappropriate when my girlfriends and I are talking. And I don't want my boys to be scared to ask questions or me nervous about, "What will I do when they ask questions."
Sexual confidence for me is feeling comfortable in my own skin, being able to be naked with my husband without worrying about my stretch marks, being adventurous if even only to the point of telling him my fantasies and assertive with telling him what I like/don't like. It is being able to talk about sex without worrying about being inappropriate or like I'm doing something wrong.
Okay so since I was gone, there is a lot of content on here :)
ReplyDeleteI guess part of my love language would be affirmation. I need to be affirmed by my husband. He usually finds a way to tell me at least once a day that he thinks I'm beautiful or that I look good. This is a huge deal for me because I have never really felt like I was or that I deserved those things said about me. So even though he has no clue about this book or the concepts we're talking about he really has his own way of filling my oxy-tank.
I was much more of an uninhibited person before I was married. So is that the common theme with most girls here? Its not that I got "shy" around Aaron when we got married, but there were a lot of other things at work then too that just really made me pull back.
I think that when I put effort into showing confidence and pleasure that is a huge confidence booster for my hubby. I think part of my issue too is that my spiritual tank is not really filled adequately as a couple and so that has a big affect on the physical side of things as well. Because after all, you are supposed to be ONE in mind, body, and soul....hard to be only 2/3 of the way there.
I guess thats my two cents this time around