Getting on the Right Track
SPICE a term used in Natural Family Planning. Stands for spiritual, physical, intellectual, communication, emotional, all the ways a couple should be connected.
How do you help your husband to see that you need spiritual and emotional connection with him?
When is your favorite time of the week to connect with your husband spiritually and emotionally?
What activities do you enjoy doing together that encourage your need for spiritual and emotional connectedness?
My favorite time of the week is when Rick and I go into worship service on Sunday morning. Especially, if I have a hand free to hold his. I know I should be better about just grabbing his hand, but I'm not, so then I end up feeling rejected when we stand/sit next to each other and don't hold hands for an hour (ESPECIALLY if I am not holding one of our sweet little men). I LOVE IT when he grabs my hand as we are headed from the nursery to worship!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate it, not that I tell him, when he chooses to fly or finish an install or complete an annual inspection on Sunday morning instead of going to church with us. I don't want to squash his guy time and I know it is to the ultimate benefit of our family that he flies and builds hours (blah, blah, BLAH!), so, I keep my mouth shut. (Wouldn't Dr. Laura be proud?)
What do you do to let your husband know you "think he's eye candy" (page 22)?
Pam Stenvel, Sex Still Has a Price Tag, uses the tape idea (page 26) in her lectures to high school age students. In the video mentioned above she says she has brought a piece of tape with her to a lecture stuck to her arm. As she is speaking she pulls it off and sticks it to someone in the audience. Every few minutes she moves the tape back to her and then onto someone else. She then uses this piece of tape to show the kids how it no longer sticks to her and points out that no other human (husband or wife) stands a chance of sticking once that deep connection has been passed around and ripped apart so many times. (I mention this because she is a wonderful speaker, her videos are a great resource to anyone in need of talking to a junior high/high school age person about sex, and it just connects so wonderfully with this chapter.)
Does your husband fill your oxytocin tank? (I'm suggesting there is a tank.)
Who else do you seek regular touch from? (Especially if your primary or secondary love language is touch.)
Hi, I'm Heidi, Nicole's sister-in-law. Thanks for letting me join your book club. I'm looking forward to an interesting discussion.
ReplyDeleteBryan and I have been married for almost nine years. I wouldn't say that I was sexually confident when we got married, more like sexually naive (not ignorant, though). We were both in the same boat, though, so it worked out ok (which is a little amazing in hindsight). The first two years we were married, we lived in Michigan, where we hated our jobs and planned to move back to Washington. During that time, I liked sex, but it was often a challenge for me. It took effort to relax, I think. After we moved back to Washington, that pretty much went away, so I chalked it up to stress.
I would say we're in a good rhythm now. Some might call it a rut, I guess. There's a section near the back of the book that looks like it could help with that. I don't have my book at the computer, so I don't remember the name. One chapter was something about church ladies.
Hi Heidi, I'm glad you are joining us.
ReplyDeleteNicole should be getting her book tomorrow.
Sarah told me yesterday she was on chapter 6. So, I'm surprised she hasn't posted anything.
Rick and I have been married just over 8 years. I wasn't sexually confident when we got married. I had been in an abusive relationship prior to meeting Rick and was still recovering from all the hurt that went along with that.
I enjoyed sex that first year (and before that). Rick and I didn't do it the "right way." I had my virginity taken from me by my abusive boyfriend and Rick had been in a serious relationship before me and well...
Once we were together (I accepted Jesus two months before meeting Rick) no one would tell me how to fix it once it was broken.
Then, fertility problems were discovered. We kept enjoying sex. I can't say we have ever had a problem in that area. My husband wishes I would initiate, but as I have pointed out to him, me thinking about sitting down on our bed is pretty much initiating. He has sonor (or something) and comes running.
I wish I was more confident to ask/tell him what I want/like. I've been known to tell him, "You got off. Isn't that the whole point." Which I know hurt him and I felt bad about it, but that is the way I feel often.
Okay, now that I have spilled the beans about me, I'm off to post about chapter 2. I hope my comments above won't scare you off.
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ReplyDeleteOkay let me try again. I've had some difficulty posting.
ReplyDeleteHi I'm Sarah
There really is no short way to say where I started out, but here's a try. I've been married close to 6 years. I only knew my husband only a total of 4 months before we got married. Needless to say we started out on some pretty rocky ground for newly weds. I was a very sexually confident/competant woman starting out. Til I had my first child.
We have delt with a lot of our baggage and that along with my post baby body and some physical problems have taken their toll.
For the most part my baggage has been laid to rest, but every once in awhile something will come up that totally brings low the self-confidence.
I kind of wonder if all husbands are the same because my hubby's radar goes off if I just say I'm going to bed or just walk up stairs. Though my husbands confidence is greatly boosted when I initiate.
I totally agree with the sticky tape analogy! That is some of what I still deal with.
I just finished the book. I took notes for most of the chapters so I can post comments but I thought than I could loan the book to someone else to read, as well.
ReplyDeleteMy intro:
Hi! I'm Nicole. My husband Zac and I have been married for four years. I due July 1st with our first baby; this is part of the reason I read the whole book at once because I figure in the coming weeks I won't have much time to be reading.
Jessica suggested this book after she read a review on Christiannymphos.org. I thought it sounded like fun to read and blog about, especially because I feel like Christian women often avoid discussing sex as a gift from God not just a marital obligation. Also, I would like to do some preparatory thinking about how our sex life will be different with a new little person joining our family.
Now I will actually post about the chapter. :)
ReplyDeleteMy husband is very aware of the fact I need time with him. My first love language is touch and my second is quality time; his are the opposite 1st- quality time, 2nd- touch. I try to often tell him I enjoy our time together and thank him for it.
I enjoyed working in the nursery with him during Sunday School. It was fun to work with him doing something. And it is always nice to see him comfort a crying baby or make them giggle. I try and spend time in the garden with him and listen about his online game because I know those are things he enjoys.
I like to take walks with him around the neighborhood. Lately, we have been cuddling and watching Burn Notice together on Thursday nights. (In the winter, we would watch Ballykissangel from Netflix and eat dinner in front of the fireplace.) I also really enjoy when we cook dinner together and talk about our days.
"Eye Candy"
I still walk around the house in just underwear even though I am 9 months pregnant. He always has to say, "nakey boobs" whenever I do this; in fact, the few times he hasn't said this I asked him why he didn't because I like that he notices.
He always says "woo-woo" when he walks from the bedroom to the bathroom to take a shower. (See YouTube for How to Shower- Men vs. Women) I also find it amusing to get my hands wet and make hand prints on the back of his jeans. Or peak in on him in the shower and dump cold water on him.
My husband does make time to cuddle with me and knows that if he doesn't each day I will be sitting in his lap for a good half hour if I have felt neglected. Otherwise, small children are good for cuddle time and kisses (particularly, Jessica's boys at this time). I don't randomly hug people or like lots of people touching me even though touch is my first love language. My dad always gave hugs but my mom never did. In fact, we (my dad, brother and I) would sneak up on her and all hug her at the same time to listen to hear her squeal. It doesn't bother me that my friends hug me as a greeting. But I have to go over with students that they can only touch me on the shoulder. And I don't like people touching my pregnant belly unless I invite them to. (Although, I find it really cute when small children touch my belly. My four year old cousin Louis will push on it to see if the baby will kick back. Or Jason, Jessica's 2 yr old, will lean back over my belly or Jacob, 8 months, will cuddle up over my belly and drool on it to give kisses.)
After Luke, sex was GREAT! We would get up in the morning. Do our thing. And then, his schedule, had him going down for a nap at 10. Rick gets up at 10:30. So, I would put Luke down and go in to wake Rick up. ;-)
ReplyDeleteI noticed the pair-bonding aspect of sex not too long after we were married. And the stress reduction aspect. We are a lot more tender with each other in bed before and after sex, something that I really enjoy because our everyday interactions aren't often that way. I wish Bryan would be like that more often, but it doesn't seem to be in the cards. I noticed the stress reduction thing because I always slept better after sex, especially when we were in Michigan.
ReplyDeleteWe're reading the 5 love languages book right now (REALLY SLOWLY, because Bryan doesn't like to read anything other than books or magazines related to cars or guns!). I'm a little surprised to realize that quality time is as important to me as it seems. I guess I didn't really understand the definition. I really enjoy working with Bryan. We did a lot of things together until we got our house built, and now we do most things separately, which we now understand is a problem. I don't know how we're going to fix it yet.
Neither one of us is shy about being naked around each other. I was a little surprised about that for myself. I have always loved Bryan's strong arms, and wrote that in the list of 10 things I loved about him in our premarital counseling. I just wish he would hug me with them more often! I haven't figured out where Touch fits in my 5 love languages, but it's definitely in the top 3.