It doesn't have to be bathroom towels. I bet it isn't for most of us. However, in the opening chapter of Unglued it is bathroom towels. That leave Lysa Unglued and in need of "deal(ing) with what comes out of my mouth." The process for dealing with what comes out is imperfect progress.
Lysa defines imperfect progress as, "Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace."
Questions for thought, not necessarily discussion:
"What is my problem? Why can't I seem to control my reactions?"
"Do I want my headstone to read, 'Well, on the days she was nice she was really nice. But on the days she wasn't, rest assured, hell hath no fury like the woman who lies beneath the ground right here'?"
Questions for discussion:
Are you a stuffer or an exploder?
How does the unglued behavior of others effect you?
What defeating thoughts do you have that hinder you making changes?
Final thought:
"...God gave me emotions so I could experience life, not destroy it. There is a gentle discipline to it all. One I'm learning."
I typed up this opening chapter post and then proceeded to come unglued at someone.
ReplyDeleteI am a stuffer. I stuff and I stuff and I stuff. Eventually all that stuffing leads to exploding.
If you are uncertain if you are a stuffer or an exploder, Lysa is going to provide us with a chart to help you figure it out.
I grew-up in a largely exploding behavior environment. I get quiet and work on disappearing and praying when someone around me begins to display signs that an explosion is coming.
Hindering thoughts include, but are not limited to:
1) What if I am taking what they are saying the wrong way? and/or It is probably a misunderstanding on my part.
2) I don't want to hurt their feelings.
3) I just don't have the words to get across my frustration or anger in a way that I feel will not be explosive right away and so I want to wait and think about it. Then, there is just never a good time to go back and revisit the issue that left me feeling frustrated or angry.
Often times, Christian discussions focus on how to treat our fellow Christian. I am really interested in how one treats their unbelieving fellow humans? How do you get across that their beliefs are faulty without it coming out as a, "she hates me"?
You are a stuffer/exploder. I am glad I am not at the brunt of the exploding. Do you have any feelings of guilt about exploding?
DeleteWhat passages are you referring to that say to treat Christians and non-Christians different? Christ said love your neighbor not only love your neighbor if he loves me.
Yes, normally, I feel horrible after exploding.
DeleteMostly, passages where it speaks of this is how you should treat a fellow believer (I can't think of specific examples right now, although they are often pointed out in BSF notes). It is ALWAYS like, "Well, that is nice. However, what do I do with all the unbelieving people in my life?"
Matthew 25:34-45 speaks of treating others as you would treat Christ and I don't think the people He refers to are Christians. It looks like you are going to be purchasing some holiday paper plates and napkins!!!
DeleteHave you told HER how much I stick up for HER? ...geesh, hates my guts just because I am friends with you and I am always the one telling you to me nice to her. Makes no sense, no sense at all.
She hates you because you barged in and ruined her vacation. And, because you are friends with me.
DeleteNo, it has never come up for me to tell her that you and Marcy both defend her nuttiness.
I am a stuffer. I don't recall exploding on anyone. I would say that I do have the desire to destroy people with words but I choose not to do so. I would rather not have the desire at all. I do stuff and occasionally with time some things do go away but normally what happens is that stuffed feeling gets carried on to the next person that I have a similar interaction with. I assume we will talk more specifics later about this. I won't say any names. I just have a lot of insecurity about people not liking me and having no friends.
ReplyDeleteI just want to stuff emotions so I don't adequately express them. This often means I want to hold back all emotions because I feel they will flood out. Or if I can't old back then everything comes out as anger or everything comes out as unintelligible cries.
Defeating thoughts that hinder from making change: (this is crappy)
This person doesn't like me.
I don't like this person.
This person is stupid.
Why can't I just have enough energy to get all this done?
Why don't I WANT to do this?
This is taking forever.
I have to start the dishes, start the laundry, go to the bathroom, pick up the front room, wash the floor, clean the bathroom, fold the laundry, and pick up the girls room then I can (call that person, sit down for a second, invite that person over, etc.).
Why doesn't that person take the first step?
Why hasn't that person told me that before?
I don't know this person very well.
That person just doesn't know me very well.
That person is not a Christian even though she says she is.
Why does she do that?
I want to help her.
My mom always says I want to be friends with broken people.
...trust me, I could go on. This is better than it has been in the past. I am starting to like some people. I LOVE Jessica and I know the majority of her faults. In fact, I find her faults rather endearing.
I could go on with a list in my head of what my mom has said to me. I relive things over and over again. And I know ALL people are broken and I just enjoy being friends with people who are willing to show they are broken. My mom just said that to me in high school and it has really stuck with me that somehow my choice of friends is not acceptable.
Your choice of friends is AWESOME! I've met your mom and if you choose her choice of friends, you would be friendless. And, that would be the saddest of all.
DeleteMy choice of friends is awesome. It just so happens I also think whoever doesn't want to be friends with me is lame and that is a little too junior high girl for my liking. I need to pray to get rid of those feelings.
DeleteAh, 2,000 miles is so helpful to my relationship with my mother. Skype solves a lot of issues because then I get to choose when I talk to her.
Can I just get over my issues by tomorrow? Ah. I know, I am messing up my children as we speak. Oh well, even Adam and Eve couldn't parent well and they had a perfect Father.
Nicole, I love that, "Even Adam and Eve couldn't parent well and they had a perfect Father"
ReplyDeleteThank you for inviting me to the blog. I just started reading it!
I used to be a stuffer. Growing up my mom always told me I was not honoring to her when I had a different opinion or felt negatively about something. She always told me the right way to think/feel and so I guess I figured what was the point? I know she was trying to train me in a Godly way of thinking, but I struggled then with a lot of anger because I didn't feel heard or understood. As an adult I still defer to her and usually do not tell her how I really feel. That's just the way it is. However, Aaron came from a LOUD/say what you feel family. Two extremes to the max! So, I've learned at least within my relationship with Aaron that I do need to say things...not be walked on. The first year we were married was tough because he was a yeller and I spent a lot of time crying because I was not used to it. I'm trying to learn to say what I mean/feel quietly without anger. We are a high energy level family, and I am trying to help the kids know they can say what they feel as long as its respectful.
ReplyDeleteSarah, I would put "right way" in quotes because her way is not the "right way" for you to feel it is how she feels. Projecting even on your child isn't right.
DeleteI love how we all have multiple different conversations at the same time. It makes me happy.
DeleteYES! I agree with Jess. She was trying to train you in what was Godly for her. God gives lots of different responsible responses in the Bible. Jesus went into the temple and tipped over tables! So melting into a puddle of tears isn't always the 'right way.'
...why don't boys have issues with their mamas? You all are making me want a son. ;)
My mother always says her way is the right way and the only way. ...seriously, that should be in quotations. She would say that to me. She has finally relaxed a little with age and distance. She can't control me over Skype. My brother also tells me not to listen to her.
Do you feel guilty for not being more like your mom?
...I have a hard time with the telling kids how to feel because we say that is bad but I had one student with server mental issues that did have to be told what was the appropriate way to feel. So that occasionally can be the correct response.
YES! Bring on baby #3. However, you should probably adopt otherwise you will end up with a girl version of Jacob.
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