"I stuff because:
*I don't feel safe enough to confront this person.
*I don't have the energy or the time to get into a conflict right now.
*I don't know how to address the issue.
*I don't want to seem hypersensitive.
*I don't want to get rejected.
*I don't want to lose control.
*I don't want to make things worse, so I convince myself I can just let it go.
But if I'm completely honest, as a Christian woman I also sometimes stuff because it feels more godly."
"...healthy processing when I work through the issue and diffuse the hurt."
The Stuffer Who Builds Barriers
"Barriers shut down communication."
Barriers or Boundaries?
"The difference between boundaries and barriers is honest transparency."
"Barriers set relationships on a regressive course that leads to isolation. Boundaries set relationships on a progressive course that leads to connection."
What Do I Really Want?
"...feelings should be indicators, not dictators."
Impossible People
"...how do I back away and not stuff?"
"If they make the choice to walk over me rather than walk with me, I'll have to love them from afar. I can forgive and refuse to hold resentment toward them, but just because I extend my forgiveness doesn't mean I have to give them access to me."
"...handled with much prayer..."
The Stuffer Who Collects Retaliation Rocks
"True peacekeeping isn't about stopping the emotion...True peacekeeping is about properly processing the emotions before they get stuffed and rot into something horribly toxic."
Processing Questions
"...how do we process these emotions before stuffing them?"
"...If I knew this person wasn't coming home tonight, would I still let this bother me?"
"...Will I still remember what I'm so mad about a month from now?"
"Am I trying to prove or improve?"
Dealing with Unrealistic Expectations
"...it's unfair of me to use my expectations as the standard for their behavior or hold it against them when they don't live up to my hopes."
"Why not take your expectations and your need for discernment about them to God in prayer?"
Feelings
"'Feelings are indicators, not dictators, child. They can indicate where your heart is in the moment, but that doesn't mean they have the right to dictate your behavior and boss you around. You are more than the sum total of your feelings and perfectly capable of that little gift from Jesus called self-control.'"
Questions for Discussion
Why do you stuff?
Have you tried out "healthy processing"? How did it go?
The stuffing that fits me the most is because I don't want people to think I am too sensitive and because it feels more godly.
ReplyDeleteWhat am I suppose to do to make it healthy?
Okay, so I thought of a little example. At bible study preparatory time yesterday, we were discussing the story of Abram dividing his land and letting Lot choose which land he wanted. Then Lot moved near Sodom but Abram did not want to live near Sodom and the ungodly, wicked people there.
Now the way the story was worded, I did not like the way it said Abram did not want to live by the ungodly people. We have to be by ungodly people all the time and we should be because we need to testify to them. Instead of just keeping this concern to myself, I did voice my concern during our story discussion time. So the other teachers replied that we are not to surround ourselves with ungodly people to the point where we sin and sometimes we need time away so we can be with God and he can train us up. ...okay, that's awesome and that is good for me to hear.
Here's the thing they took WAY too long to say that and were naming parts of town (Portland) that it would not be good to live and people (Hispanics, drug-addicts) that we should not live by. ...I felt like it was a stupid question to ask. The major thing was I felt really judged that I want to live in Portland not a suburb even though I don't think most of them even know we are planning to move into Portland.
See, I brought it up and my feelings were still hurt. What should I have done differently?
I think to make it healthy you either process it and let it go or you talk about it (process it with the other person) and come to a place of o.k.ness for both of you.
DeleteLike their answer.
Where does it say that Abram did not want to live near the ungodly? Just because he didn't put his tent next to Sodom doesn't mean he was living in a godly area.
Also, what is wrong with living next to/near Hispanics? And, obviously, there are obvious addicts, but there are, also, less obvious addicts and not just drug addicts but internet porn addicts, alcohol addicts, french fry addicts, OCD addicts, etc. Everyone has some kind of addiction/sin issue. I don't think it is possible to live in a sin free zone this side of heaven. I'm not sure how you say that without getting all emotional because honestly I'm a little emotional and I'm typing not speaking.
Maybe, reminding them that "ALL have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."?
Just because you live amongst the "worst" of sinners (like Lot choose to do) doesn't mean you don't need time away daily to seek hard after God (Matthew 6:6). Daniel was rewarded. He lived in the kings palace and had been made a eunuch. Those around him sinned and yet he worshiped the one true God. And, God lead him, Shadrach, Meshack, and Abendigo through the time of captivity in a God honoring way.
But, honestly, this was way easier to type than to come up with and speak about when it comes up in your or my daily lives.
(((HUGS))) hope this helps.
I did talk about this with Em and another person from church. I am proud of myself I brought up my issue instead of just stuffing it. And I will bring up another issue when I have one. Really, I want them to address my heart issue because I know the answer that is laid out in the Bible related to the story. My heart issue is that I think they don't like people who live in Portland. And my issue is that I think they don't want to help people. ...I was discussing my anxiety with someone over some money stuff...I am purposely trying to be very vague here. She said, "Do you think you gave too much?" "No, no. I really don't. I just want to feel not stressed about giving." I wish my words better reflected my heart.
DeleteYeah, the words reflecting the heart is a pain. I'm not good at it and it leads to stuffing because if I can't get it across like I want I would just rather keep my mouth shut until I have the right words and often by then the issue is so far gone that I can't go back...
DeleteThis is way I am a horrible writer because I type exactly how I talk which is a grammatical nightmare and not eloquent.
ReplyDeleteI was trying to think of another time my feelings were hurt that would be easier to explain to me what to do than the one above. This one is stupid to but would be simple to tell me how not to stuff.
I emailed someone to see if we could meet up for a play date because we had not done so recently. This woman said she couldn't because she was potty training her child. I was upset. See stupid, really stupid.
I can't think of anything super recent that I have stuffed. I haven't been mad at my husband in, seemingly, a long time. I don't get into any conflicts at church.
I do have a bad attitude about bible study rules but I am doing better about following them. Although, our group was told we could not raise our hands to sing because that is only done at "some churches" and does not follow our given guidelines. I knew, this was a reference to me having my two year olds hold their hands up when we sing 'Hallelujah.' That pissed me off because I think that is a stupid rule. If you could just word that rule nicer for me that would be great
See how am I not suppose to just stuff this stupid stuff?
I think the not raising your hands rule is stupid just because it is only done in "some churches." So, do you only sing and worship away from church in the manner you do at church? You could ask. Although, you probably shouldn't say it is stupid.
DeleteAlso, you could point out the Hallelujah in sign language is raised hands. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7XAGipteh8
You could ask the mom if it would be easier to meet at her house so they don't have to be away from the familiar potty. Then, when you get there share stories about the potty training disasters at your home.
I am not ready to bring up the hallelujah thing. It still upsets me. Part of it is that the way teaching critique is done is to the group without anyone's name said so I could not respond directly.
DeleteI feel better about this issue now. I have a playdate with this person at her house and it was nice. I just don't feel super close to this person but I want to and don't know how to make that happen. She just doesn't seem to share lots. I try asking questions. I try sharing. I try being quiet. I pray for her. I love her babies and she is very nice. She does ask us over and contact me first so it just isn't me attacking her with playdate requests. ...time. I know, I am impatient.
I don't feel safe and I don't want to loose control would be my two big reasons to stuff and usually they work together. I don't feel safe and am convinced the other person might explode at me or that I will explode at them. Add to that, I'm not sure how to say in a God honoring way the stuff in my head and you got the tri-fecta of reasons for me to stuffing.
ReplyDeletePart of my problem is that I am not good at setting boundaries. I dislike that my grandma needs help and won't ask because "you're so busy." (Can you see me sticking out my tongue and rolling my eyes?) And, I'm afraid if I set boundaries her not wanting to call on me for help is going to spread like wildfire to everybody I set up boundaries with.
HELLO! people. Even with boundaries there are times when you are in need that you should call regardless of the boundaries.
"If they make the choice to walk over me rather than walk with me, I'll have to love them from afar. I can forgive and refuse to hold resentment toward them, but just because I extend my forgiveness doesn't mean I have to give them access to me." I love this quote. I had to do it with my college roommate and it was not easy. I say something similar when talking with others who are going through something that this is probably going to need to be the reality for. Unfortunately, there are those people who even after you go through something with them and forgive them are going to look at that as permission to do the behavior over and over. Being a godly woman does not mean you get hurt over and over by the same person. God gave you a brain. You learn to limit your time or steer clear of those who choose to hurt you over and over.
Processing apart from the other person is probably where I struggle the most. Especially with the example I have been talking about throughout my posts. I find with most people, it is acceptable to say, "Remember the last time we were together and ___________ happened?" And, then, to talk about what happened, if I need to do some processing with them at a later time. However, in my example person, she has memory issues. So, I struggle with, "If I bring up last time is she going to have any memory of it?"
Also, I realize I have unrealistic expectations in regards to her behavior. I know she is not going to have all the social cues she needs and have learned to extend grace in situations where she does something that is a little off. However, when she opens her mouth and I feel personally attacked...THAT is where I struggle with remembering my expectations need to be lowered.
Her and I are working on me not stuffing. And, I'm learning that if I want to jog her memory, I should say, "Remember when..." and then give her a few moments. Chances are pretty good we will get to the memory I am referring too. (sigh :-D ) Hopefully, stuffing less is going to continue. And, so will exploding...
What is your plan with this person over Christmas? How much time are you going to be spending with her?
DeleteI'm glad you are working on these issues with her. You should smile at her. ...It would be nice if you could tell her you will miss her after she dies but I don't think she would take that in the loving context we discussed it in.
Zero! Zip! Nodda! NONE!
DeleteAnd, you are right. I don't think she would take it in a loving way at all and I don't think she would believe I was sincere at this point. And, I can't really say that I would be sincere at this point.
I am not an exploder. I've only done it a handful of times in my life. In our house growing up, there were no raised voices, so all the emotions that were displayed were pretty subtle. That has made me more sensitive to perceived disapproval from other people, when what they're doing might be considered inconsequential. So I can get my feelings hurt, but I only "let" it happen with people that I let get close to me (very few).
ReplyDeleteI was wondering what experiences you both had that prompted stuffing behavior. I don't think I pile up resentment or hard feelings, but I do write people off. I always have. I think it's because I don't trust people (thus don't let them get close) and because I put a high value on independence. It's actually been something I've had to resist in my marriage. When things get tough, I start withdrawing from the relationship, figuring I'm fine on my own. But that's not true. I can function by myself, but I don't thrive by myself.
If I don't let people close, they don't affect me, and I don't get hurt. However, if I don't have contact with my few friends, I get grouchy. I don't know if I want more friends or not. I'm not working on finding more, but would probably be happy to feed a relationship if one dropped in my lap.
My stuffing started young. My dad is an exploder who was raised by an abusive, self-medicating alcoholic father and a mom who did her best to keep the peace. I learned young that stuffing often kept the peace because showing emotion just caused the yelling to get worse. If I could contain any emotion until my dad left, he would leave sooner. And, when he would come back he would be in a good mood. So, didn't want to bring up whatever had caused the initial explosion for fear the explosion would occur again.
DeleteMy mom and my maternal grandmother both reinforce stuffing. My maternal grandma will not tell her grand-kids or anyone else when she is disappointed in them. My mom lives off the mentality that, "My mom never even had to raise her voice to get her kids to listen and obey. So, I shouldn't have to either." This mentality lead to her not disciplining in any form, thus stuffing a lot of hurt that my brothers and I caused, sometimes intentionally because we knew she wouldn't react.
I remember my mom yelling at me for crying. And I remember her not telling my grandma when she was mad at her. And swearing at my dad and storming off. This doesn't give me great hope for my girls mimicking my behavior. I can already see Nola being uncomfortable in social situations.
DeleteI don't think it is often outright said but it does seem 'more Christian' to stuff.
I agree, it does seem 'more Christian' to stuff.
DeleteDo you mean that it's more Christian not to address any hurts? Or is it more Christian to not react and let things go ("forgive and forget")? It's a fine line between the two, and no one knows for sure where it is, even in our own lives. I think we need to give people grace and let things slide. But where we have a relationship to sustain, addressing hurts and holding each other accountable is important.
DeleteNicole, where do you see Nola uncomfortable? Is it just with people she is not familiar with? Or with family and close friends too?
I think, I need to learn to address things appropriately that I can't let go. But it seems that if you are a 'good Christian' than you should be able to let things go. Although I have seen people let things go that they should be calling out as sin but don't because they don't like confrontation. It is hard because we want to be liked and keep the piece instead of helping others grow.
DeleteI see Nola uncomfortable at ballet because she doesn't think she can do passe correctly. I see her uncomfortable at church because the teachers rotate each week. I see her uncomfortable meeting new kids. She wants to say hi but then she gets nervous and holds me leg when we walk over to them.
It took her a long time to warm up at our home church. Laicina said she didn't talk to her for a long, long time. Laicina wasn't even sure she could talk. Now she runs around with the girls and it is just like home.
It is amazing how many little things she copies. She says, 'actually,' 'I want to stay home,' and 'I just need a little bit.' She stands with her hand on her hip. She holds her sister's hand to walk down the stairs.
Evie holds things up to her ear to be a phone and says, 'hello.' She pushes her hair out of her face. She says, 'no, no, no.'
...it isn't all bad stuff but they just unconsciously copy you because that is what they see done. A person I know said, "what we say to our children becomes their internal dialogue." That is scary to me. I need to be more careful about what I say.
That is scary!
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