The above chart is not for labeling but for identifying. You may discover you fit into more than one category depending on the person you are interacting with and the situation.
The "four categories of unglued reactions...
Exploders who shames themselves
Exploders who blames others
Stuffers who builds barriers
Stuffers who collect retaliation rocks"
Exploders who shame themselves do not necessarily do it by getting loud. It might be by just turning up the intensity.
"Soul integrity is honesty that's godly."
"Saying 'I'm fine' to keep the peace, when we're not fine, isn't honest."
"Forgiveness is mandatory; reconciliation is optional."
"...when we are wise, we pause and measure our words to get at the heart of the issue without sabotaging the heart of our offender."
Not sure where you fit? Take the Unglued Assessment .
Okay, know where you are? Do you find yourself in all four categories at different times? Just one or two sound like you?
Did you take the on-line assessment? Did it surprise you?
OH MY GOSH! You made a hyperlink! AND you labeled where you got your picture. I am so impressed. (Now next time put the words, "PHOTO CREDIT" under the image and make it a hyperlink to the original image.)
ReplyDeleteOy! Just be impressed... IF I figure out how to do that second thing. (Honestly, I had no idea there was a name for what I did.) I'll do that second thing too.
DeleteA few seconds later...Okay, I can do that. Can't promise I will remember to do it...
I assumed I was a stuffer that builds barriers but I took the online test and I was right. I don't remember exploding on people. ...but it could happen. I am more likely to sulk and dwell on it for days.
ReplyDeleteOkay, I don't know what else I am suppose to be commenting on here. Yes, I stuff. Yes, I build barriers up to people. Yes, I pretend everything is 'fine.' I was happy we moved 2,000 away from some people. Okay, multiple people. I do forgive people if they actually want to be forgiven but I find that I really piss people off to the point where they just don't want to talk to me any more.
There is another way besides this? I am intrigued. I could kindly explain to someone that I am hurt, acknowledge my wrong-doing in the situation and the other person could do the same? This doesn't sound possible. I would like to see this happen.
See from my experiences, I explain I am hurt and then I get hurt more. ...I will go with a 'safe' relationship to discuss here- my husband. So if I am hurt and I explain I am hurt then he does apologize but I don't really feel like he cares nor do I feel like he knows how not to do it again. My mom just doesn't care. She says, "get over it." She is more of the 'my way is the only way' philosophy.
I am trying to think who I have been mad at lately. ...I mean besides my children destroying their room I just cleaned. :( I can't think of anyone within the past year. See the joys of moving? I haven't had time to build a really close relationship with anyone yet that they have ticked me off.
Jessica, would you like to speak to this without naming names? I know, you have seen me act inappropriately many a time.
I am intrigued too. I am really curious what not having stuffed and then throwing retaliation rocks looks like because, honestly, not stuffing does not seem like a real option with some people.
DeleteI think the idea, as a Christian and for your health is to forgive people even if they don't want to be forgiven. And, not to tick people off, especially fellow Christians, to the point they never want to speak to you again.
There was one person I can think of that you got a mediator and came to discover that you would work well together because you both enjoyed different aspects of the same job.
I did not get a mediator. SHE got a mediator. I did not/do not have a problem with her. Granted, I am judgmental and have issues not keeping my mouth shut at times so I see why I piss her off sometimes. Part of the issue was other people that could have told her things more to the way she would receive them with love were afraid of her and wouldn't say anything to her.
DeleteWe worked great together on projects. I love to work on projects with people. ...I know, I am continuing on about this person when I shouldn't be... I don't normally desire to be friends with people but I think her and I could have been friends had she wanted that.
...do you see why I have issues with thinking that no one wants to be my friend? I have the constant reply of, "You have friends?"
I don't try to piss people off, anymore. It is really hard to say to someone, "Yeah, I have an issue with you because you got pregnant and aren't thankful for it. I had to pay tons of money to have a baby and was miserable when I was pregnant." Should I go on? "I think you ignore your child." "I think you are crazy that you stay at home all the time." "You should be able to go to the grocery store with your children." "I don't always want to meet at the park or the zoo or wherever. Can't we just hang out? Like do laundry and play in the backyard?" ...how do you not stuff that and not piss someone off?
"I don't try to piss people off, anymore." But, that is one of the things I <3 about you.
DeleteYou vent to me and we both get a good laugh.
Love You!
Because other people might read this... Our relationship is healthier than my above post might suggest, I promise.
DeleteI'm a stuffer who builds barriers! Do I get a door prize at this party?
ReplyDeleteHow do we decide what the difference is between forbearance and stuffing? What makes us decide to confront something with somebody? I don't think our own feelings are entirely trustworthy, because we can do that confrontation for our own benefit, not necessarily theirs.
I don't find the diagram to be very helpful, because the perimeter is all negative. The only positive position in the diagram is the center. It's good to know which way we trend, but I think it's important to understand where we are between the center and perimeter, and think about how to move closer to the center. I guess that's what the book is for. :)
Oh, we have more in common. Jessica is in charge of passing out prizes so you will have to consult her on what we all get for sharing. :)
DeleteJessica brought up before how does the Bible address confronting someone that is a believer versus someone who is not. I'm not sure. Part of it is my attitude is normally wrong in a confrontation. I mostly just want to be right or feel good about myself instead of showing I am hurt.
I think, the idea of moving closer to the middle is what she was trying to say in the book when she talked about 'imperfect progress.' And she did say you could be in different places on the target in different relationships. Your explanation was clearer than the author's explanation because, you are correct, the chart seems overwhelmingly negative.
Yeah, but, really the subject of the book is overwhelmingly negative. You aren't, most likely, reading the book if you don't stuff or explode.
DeleteAlso, the center does seem very far off and elusive.
But, once we get there (probably not this side of eternity) it becomes wide open and perfect.
Oh, I also wanted to say that I'm much better about this kind of behavior than I used to be. It's most obvious in my marriage. I don't have anything near that level of relationship with anyone else. Not that it's easy for me to bring up the things that I'm stuffing down, but I recognize it and can force myself to do it in an appropriate way.
ReplyDeleteYour brother alludes to you being unkind in high school. He seems to mention it in a way that makes it seem like he feels it is a positive characteristic in you that you don't get pushed around.
DeleteI don't think of you as a very mushy person. Do you think you are particularly close to Tamara? Or Rose? Do you think they share more with you then you do with them?
I took the quiz it says I am a stuffer/barrier builder. Maybe with anyone else but Aaron. With Aaron I am also an exploder, I do and then usually feel seriously guilty. I have been working on being first to apologize because I HATE yelling. I always wonder why, if I hate yelling, why I have resorted to it? :( I think that I do that with Aaron because he's stuck with me. I know if I did it with any other friendship/relationship I would more than likely lose that relationship. I have so few friends as it is and value those friendships so highly that I would rather cut off my own arm.
ReplyDeleteI love how we are all in the same boat as stuffers.
DeleteWhy do you think you yell?
I always think of you as having lots of friends because you know lots of people and everyone seems to like you. ...well, and now you have Jess all to yourself to dress up and text at 2am. Aren't you lucky? ;)
I think that getting married to a yeller unlocked something in me. I was NEVER allowed to raise my voice and never witnessed or experienced it in my parents' home. Maybe it was cathartic in a way? I remember once being SO mad that I walked to my room, gently closed my door...then just standing there shaking...but I NEVER yelled! Almost 10 years in and now its a bit too easy to yell, maybe out of habit, maybe because theres no one standing over me.
ReplyDeleteAs for the other point...I was thinking about the that the other day. Jess has such great clothes, hey I USED to have cute clothes... prior to child #4. Maybe its time to get off my mushy tushy and do something about it :) Maybe its you guys' turn to dress me up! ;)
Oh FUN! Dressing Sarah! I see a new pinterest board in our future!
DeleteOkay, apparently I have deleted my own post twice now. Oh well...
ReplyDeleteFirst off, words of appreciation is the door prize. Good job, Ladies! I am impressed. There were 11 comments when I first clicked on the link to this thread.
I'm a stuffer who builds barriers. Although, recently, in one relationship, I have become a stuffer who throws retaliation rocks.
I don't know where the middle ground is. Where is the middle ground where you don't stuff and build barriers or throw rocks? How do you address issues as they come up? I am a processor and often need to process something before I am ready to discuss it.
Example: I was with the "one relationship" person today. She said something that at face value, she has said similar things a 100 times before. They, pretty much always bother me (often, not till after the conversation is over and I am thinking back over what was said), but I have no nice way of saying, "That isn't true." So, I don't say anything.
But, today, there was a third person who heard her say what she said. The third person was in shock that she would say such a thing. But, the third person has no idea what I should have said and the third person said nothing because of being in shock.
Do we let the "one relationship" shock get stuffed down with the other 100 times she has said similar things in the hope that it never comes exploding out of me? Are we safe in assuming I can stuff it 200, 300, 400, or 500+ more times? (I know Christ says we should forgive 7x7 times.) If addressing the issue needs to occur, can I safely do it without it coming out a little snarky? There is no way (that I can see) of saying anything on this topic without hurting the "one relationships" feelings. Not that I am intentionally seeking to do so, but in that it is a reality that is going to hurt. And, honestly, can I say that I'm not "seeking to do so" in that I have stuffed it for 12+ years and if I hadn't stuffed it that long, maybe I would have a nicer tone of voice when I tell her that what she said was inappropriate. "A man is to leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two are to become one flesh." Not that she will put any credit in that statement as it is Biblical and she is not interested.
I know we are way past this post, but part of me wants to see if you check when people add comments. Also, Heidi had a really good question.
ReplyDelete" I wanted to know if people regretted their "lack" of friends because they really wanted more close friendships, or because they felt like they should have more friends. "
There you go. Discuss that.
I dislike that I didn't have friends for most of my life. I even had family members who avoided me. So, now I have a lot of women that I enjoy fellowship with. Friends? Hmmmm, I don't know that I would consider them all friends in that I don't see them regularly or share deep stuff with. However, I do have four close girlfriends who I love dearly and miss when I don't see or text regularly.
ReplyDeleteI think having more than these four close girlfriends would be very difficult. I don't feel like I invest in their lives as much as I wish I could and more friends would just add to that sense. But, I will take more women to fellowship with. God is amazing in His ability to allow us to fellowship with Christian women on an irregular basis yet still feel like it was just yesterday that we saw them and enjoyed their fellowship and long for the next time, even if it is awhile, before we get to enjoy that fellowship again.
How do you foster a 'sister in Christ' relationship with new women? I just feel a wall with a lot of women that they don't want to be close.
DeleteI agree that I think it is hard to have many close friends because you just can't 'keep up' with that many people.
I do it in teaching child birth. It gives me opportunity to start the relationships. Some of the relationships continue on, mostly through facebook, and some don't, but if they need me, they know the billion different ways of getting a hold of me.
DeleteReally? Is it a "don't want" or a don't have time?
Otherwise, inviting them over one-on-four (because the boys are always in tow) to hang-out and seeing if the relationship might be worth building or if we are just going to maintain acquaintance standing.
Taking advantage of 16 passenger van rides to camp for ladies weekend. Going to MaryKay and other parties. Going to the baby showers and bridal showers (I see you cringing).
I think people don't want to spend the time on relationships. I often feel like a burden because I just want to hang out.
Deletecringe... I don't like baby showers or bridal showers. You are so girlie and happy for people. ug. Too many people and squealing and I just think it is stupid. I don't want to play stupid games. I don't want to pretend things are going to be perfect. ...I know, I need a heart change on attending these events. I just don't receive any joy from them and I hate to be 'Debbie-downer' attending the party.
...at church last week we were sharing how people met their spouse and how the guy proposed. Em shared about Kory's extravagant proposal with a limo and flowers and balloons and lots of other details. I know that is perfect for him but if Zac had done that I would have seriously consider saying no. I don't like show-y stuff like that.
I am going down a cranky path. Sorry, my toddler has figured out how to open her bedroom door so naptime has not been restful today.
I wouldn't necessarily say I love going, but it does build relationship...
DeleteAnd, yeah, if Rick had made a huge deal about our engagement it would have been weird...